1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be honored and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a remarkable aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls as you would squeeze water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forth. It's an exquisite instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come, and cannot be bothered to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Dirty Back Road. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
11. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and it takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware human beings with an incredible gift.
12. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
13. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
14. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
15. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
16. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and texture.
17. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if, a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
18. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you think I should buy that dress / skirt / sofa / Mercedes / country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
19. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
20. SHARING, NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
21. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent ass but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meager mammaries with something silky.
22. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
23. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
24. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
25. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to their natural conclusion.
26. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
27. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.